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One thing is sure, the time to make your list of what is vitally important to you in a husband is BEFORE you get married or even start dating.  You need to know if he is controlling or abusive or self-focused and the best way to find this out is to get to know him before you ever enter a dating relationship.

Checking to see what he is like in his relationships with his:

  • parents and siblings
  • with the elders/pastors in the church
  • with those in authority over him
  • with single women in the church
  • with children
  • with guys he is discipling (or being discipled by)
  • at work
  • at school
  • under adverse situations

…will give you a much broader and deeper understanding of his character and will give wisdom to whether he would make a good spouse for you.

Also remember that God has given your parents to you for guidance and counsel.  Seek their insight about the person you consider marrying.  If that is not possible or feasible, then be sure to use the elders/pastors of your church in their place.

When you are dating you might find it endearing when he wanted to spend every moment with you or wanted to know what you were doing all the time and who you were doing it with, but it could actually be hiding a controlling and manipulative personality that is unwholesome at best and abusive at worst.  These are things YOU might be blind to but your close godly friends and those in your life with maturity and wisdom will see these red flags.  LISTEN TO THEM.

When you are dating you might find it exciting when he could not take his eyes off of you or wanted you to wear clothes that showed off your cute figure (although maybe you noticed his eyes wandering to other women  you passed with a bit of a hunger in them that made you a little uncomfortable), but it could be that there was an out of control lust in his heart that was being  held in check just long enough to capture his goal (you) but will end up destroying your marriage, either through pornography or actual adultery.

Before you say “I Do” is the time to deeply examine the heart and life of the person you consider submitting the rest of your life to.  This is the time for seeking WISE and HONEST counsel – and for taking that counsel seriously and prayerfully to heart!  This is the time where a physical relationship could very easily get in the way of hearing God’s direction and guidance.

We have talked about the importance of being equally yoked, but it is also imperative that you find out his spiritual goals, values, visions and convictions.  These things really must be issues of unity between you BEFORE you ever say “I Do.”  Do not be a foolish woman who has so convinced herself that these areas of disunity between you will all work out because you love each other so much.  You have NO idea whether he will ever change and this will mean you will have to compromise on areas you held as convictions from God.  Compromise toward God is NOT a good way to begin a marriage.

Consider:

  • emotional maturity
    • is he able to seek his enjoyment and fulfillment through God rather than expect you to meet all his needs
    • is he faithfully and wisely working toward being able to support a family
    • does he encourage you in your goals in life and does he give you the freedom to serve where God calls you to
  • self-control
    • is he able to prioritize purity in your relationship together
    • does he have a faithful and consistent walk with God,
    • does he have a good reputation among those he works with
  • spiritual maturity
    • does he expect you to do all the spiritual focusing of the relationship or does he help set the spiritual tone
    • is he comfortable praying and studying the scriptures both by himself and with you
    • does he understand what discipleship is all about
    • does he have a faithful and consistent pattern of spiritual disciplines
    • does he understand godliness and grace

These are some of the basic things I would recommend others to look for in a husband. Remember, who he is NOW will be a good picture of who he’ll be for the next 20 years!

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