Giving in: good or bad?

Are there areas in your marriage where your husband has given in on his better judgment to make you happy? Maybe it’s about buying a house you like or getting (or not getting) a job. Many times I hear this in a wife wanting to have another baby.

It’s time to take a hard look, with the Spirit, to see how our very strong desires may have pushed (no matter how unwittingly) our husbands into a place where the only way they could make us happy was to say “Yes”.

husband giving in

Is your husband resenting YOU because he is feeling more and more manipulated into a place he didn’t want to be.

Before Kevin and I first got married, we decided on the amount of money we could afford for an apartment. We looked for several months and found nothing in that price range that we I liked. As our wedding date approached, Kevin was seriously considering whether we should raise our limit but really felt we just couldn’t afford it.

We looked at this one apartment and I FELL IN LOVE!! It was $40 above our limit but I loved it so much that Kevin said, “It will be OK, we can do it. I’m deciding we can do this.” And we took it.

We got married, moved in but there was this little “something” not right between us. He said (and believed) nothing was wrong. One night after a pretty major (for us) night of snapping at one another, he confessed that he should never have said yes about the money increase.

He felt:

  • guilty before the Lord
  • manipulated by me
  • like a failure as a husband to lead

All because he gave in so quickly when I really wanted something. Most of all he was disappointed with himself and looked dismally at our future together.

YIKES! TALK ABOUT A LOAD TO CARRY!

Now, I could have gotten angry that he wasn’t straightforward with me – but truth be told, he really thought he was OK with it. The Lord worked on his heart over several months revealing the truth.

Is this an issue for you?

Does your husband felt trapped, that the only way YOU could feel fulfilled in your marriage (where HE felt he was enough for you) was through more children?

Does he feel after saying no for so long, he’s either tired or just wanting to make you happy and he gave in (really making himself believe it was HIS idea so  he doesn’t feel he’s giving in to pressure he felt from you)?

Does his guilt, frustration and feelings of failure mask the real problem, which is his anguish of giving in against his better judgement when he should have taken the responsibility of the final decision?

I think at this point you should go before the Lord and ask Him to show you YOUR part in all of this.

Where did YOU pressure (over the years bringing it up again and again?) or push when you knew he wasn’t ready? Where did YOU gently and subtly manipulate? Now, perhaps there was nothing of this but it is ALWAYS a place we need to start (removing the log in our own eyes).

Then, go to your husband and open up an honest dialogue. Pray together and ask the Lord to give you both wisdom and openness to heal the wounds in your marriage this might have caused. Be sure NOT to point fingers, but be willing to confess any part YOU may have had in this. And declare to one another that you are binding your hearts together before the Lord and in the Spirit for His Glory, as a testimony of the unity He can bring in our marriages.

Lastly, discuss HOW you can avoid the pitfalls of manipulation (or perceived manipulation) that got you into this struggle and work to make these tools a strong part of your marriage.

May God enrich, grow and strengthen each of our marriages through communication, humility and honesty by the power of His Spirit!

I’m linking up with these lovely blogs.

(Image courtesy of stockimages/FreeDigitalPhotos.net)


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10 Comments

  1. I’m visiting from the Women helping women link-up. Wow is this convicting! I never thought of myself as manipulative, but I see how at times I can be. And I certainly don’t want to place any additional burdens on my husband. I’m such a work-in-progress in the are of respecting and loving my husband,but the desire of my heart is to be a faithful helpmate to him. This is something I will work on being more aware of. Thanks! 🙂

    Reply
    • Hi Jen, and thanks for coming by. One thing I love about reading blogs is that God will reveal something to someone, they write about it and I need to read it! The body of Christ – such a blessing. I’m glad you came by and pray you were touched by the Spirit in some way.

      Reply
  2. Hi Kate,

    It’s Lori from Hungry for God . . . Starving for Time. I wanted to talk with you about a resource for homeschooling moms, but couldn’t find a way to contact you on your blog. Would you please email me at hatcherx4 at sc.rr.com? thanks bunches!

    Reply
  3. It is SO easy for us wives to do this without even really realizing what we are doing. Quite a number of years ago; I realized this was happening occasionally, (and probably more often than I remember); and I really had to step back and assess my attitude and actions and how I presented topics, issues, wishes, etc… to my husband. He is blessedly patient with me, but, has “given in” more than he should have.

    We prayerfully addressed this together; and he now feels much more confident and comfortable about saying “no” or “wait” or whatever; and when we don’t quite agree; we take it to the Lord and wait on Him to show one or both of us the right or best course of action.
    ANOTHER GREAT BLOG, SISTER! How I would love to discuss these things over coffee or tea; with a couple scones of muffins thrown in! Love you!

    Reply
    • Hi my darling girlfriend!! Oh how I miss you. I’m so blessed to at least stay in touch via blogging! I’d love the tea and scones!

      Reply
  4. Yes, so much can be accomplished if we just surrender as our Jesus did

    Reply
    • Yes, Val. Too bad I don’t surrender as quickly as Jesus did! 😀 Thanks for stopping by and sharing.

      Reply
  5. This was a major eye opener to me when the Lord showed me I was doing this. I wish I would have learned it at the onset of marriage instead of 20 years into it. This is a very powerful truth.

    Reply
    • Hi Karin! So pleased that you stopped by this morning and for sharing your experience. But don’t you just love that no matter WHEN we learn, the learning is a blessing to us and a glory to Him!?!

      Reply
  6. I love the wisdom in this post, Kate. It is never easy to examine our hearts to see if we are pushing, pulling, giving in, or manipulating one another in our relationships. Thank you for the reminder that we need to honestly search our hearts and seek the Lord in this area for our good and for His glory.

    May He continue to fill your cup to overflowing!

    Reply

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