Communication: “You Know What You Did!”

I love the Dick Van Dyke Show from the 1960s.

I think it is one of the best sitcoms of all time. And there were some marvelous scenes that are great to teach us practical biblical principles in our marriages.

(sorry about the hulu ad)
Have we ever done this as wives? Play the Mind Reader Game?

This is such a destructive manipulation game, and one that NO ONE wins! Some things to think about before you get into this mode:

  • men and women are NOT the same: they think differently, they process emotions differently, and they respond differently (granted, EVERYONE fits into this category, but it is often easier for us to be understood by a member of our own sex)
  • our husbands CANNOT read our minds
  • it doesn’t mean our husband don’t love us if they do not know what we are thinking
  • the only one who wins when we are not open about what is bothering us is THE ENEMY
  • God created us to be a UNIT, to become one flesh, to work and act in unity – just as the Father, Son and Spirit are one – did you ever notice that Jesus spent a lot of time alone with the Father while He walked the earth? I’m POSITIVE much of that time was in intimate communication
  • growing into that unity of spirit God designed for us requires HUMBLE, HONEST and GAME-FREE communication with one another

If you play this game in your marriage, tell me, how’s that really working for you? Have you grown in healthy and honoring relationship with your husband? OR are you finding more of a one-up-manship between you that makes it difficult for either of you to back down?
Are you playing games in communication with your husband? Don't do it!

Yes, there are times when we are bugged and don’t really know why.

THIS IS VERY DIFFERENT ALTOGETHER. Kevin and I made a commitment with one another before we got married that we would not consciously play games in our communication (and that we’d work to eliminate any subconscious game playing). But there are times when I’m bugged about something and can’t articulate what it is. During those times we work hard to give space so that I can work out what is bothering me, to enable me to honestly and respectfully communicate it to him. I want to add, that it has happened on his end as well.

Communication is hard enough in marriage without bringing game playing into the control seat!

Are there ways YOU can change how you communicate with your husband so that the “You Know What You Did” game is no longer a part of your marriage? If you don’t know, ask the Lord. He wants to help you change this in your marriage to bring Godly unity and intimacy.

All Scripture quotations are taken from the NASB.
Unless otherwise indicated, photos from

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  1. Hi Kate!
    I’m hopping over from WLW and am excited to be new friends on Facebook too! Isn’t it fun the way God connects us? We live in an amazing time 🙂

    We’ll celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in September, and PRAISE THE LORD for so many years of grace! Communication is one of those things that can always be improved in a marriage. Thanks for the reminder that mind games and power plays are never healthy or God-honoring.
    Hugs from VA,

    • Amen, Susan! And congratulations on those 25 years!!

  2. Your blog touched on a serious subject, but i had to laugh when i read your first point about “some things to think about….” You are so spot on with all the points, but women really need to heed that first one. i remember, one day, asking Gary, while we were on one of our many road trips, “Whatcha’ thinking about?” “Nothing”, he said. “Gary, you have to be thinking SOMETHING!” Gary: “No, really…not thinking about a thing, just driving.” Me: “No, i mean what little thought right now is in your head?” Gary: “Well, now i’m thinking how much i wish women understood that men have compartmentalized brains.And we can pretty much keep those ‘compartments’ or boxes separate. We have a ‘box’ which stores our emotions/feelings, and a box wherein lies our reason/logic, and a box that stores our physical needs/desires….and then there’s the ‘nothing’ box…which when accessed enables us to literally think about NOTHING!” And we really wish you women understood that. You women just seem to have one big ‘box’ in your brain where everything is stored, so your reason/logic is also touched by whatever emotion is in control, you all are wired in such a way, you are either “feeling” something, or “thihking” something…and apparently the only time when you are not ‘thinking’ or ‘feeling’ is when you are asleep, or when you are so exhausted you are unable to think or feel momentarily. Just a general observation, dear.” Me: So, when you say you aren’t thinking about anything, you really aren’t??? Huh!” Anyway, we still laugh about that conversation, but there are nuggets of truth in there….and i got Gary’s point.

    Hugs, dear!

    • LOL!! Cathy, that was too funny. But I can just picture Gary saying all of this!! So glad you came by, my sweet sweet friend!! ((hugs)) right back at you!

    • Thanks so much, dear! Communication is something I continue to work on with my husband. I have so much more to learn!

  3. Good reminder! I especially appreciate your point that the only one who wins when we’re not open is the enemy.

    • Amen! Thanks for coming by, Bonnie, and for sharing.

  4. Amen! My huband and I will be married 20 years in Septmeber. Oh, how we have grown. No more games for us! It get’s us no where. We are a team working together to serve God, not trying to drive a wedge between what we have. 🙂


    • Amen!! But boy, is it hard sometimes to not listen to that voice in your ear pushing you to play all the games that will destroy communication!! Humility is always such a sacrifice, at least for me! But a joy afterwards, for sure! Thanks so much for sharing this.


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