Having 8 children doesn’t make me an expert on this. Sometimes I think that our children were just born with a propensity to like each other. Sometimes I think we might have had a hand in it. But the reality is, there IS NO MAGIC FORMULA.
Did I burst your bubble? I’m sorry. But one thing I’ve learned more surely than almost anything else in these past 30 years is that there really is NO perfect way to raise children and have them turn out okay. BUT that doesn’t mean we should just throw in the towel at birth and watch Oprah (oh wait, she’s not on TV anymore, right? Can you tell how long it’s been since we’ve seen TV?). There ARE some things we can do to encourage friendships among our children.
1) Actually, my comment above is it…turn off the TV, video games, computer and encourage them to play with one another!
When our children were young, we were very poor. We did have TV but we really only got PBS and the old movie channel. And I was babysitting up to 6 other children (in a 500 sq ft apartment) so the noise of TV was not something I was interested in. We allowed 2 shows (but not every day and we didn’t order our lives around them): Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? and Reading Rainbow, later we added Magic School Bus. When we borrowed a movie from the library to watch, the children acted out that movie for days and weeks until another movie was borrowed. Some movies (like Robin Hood) were acted out for YEARS to come!
Playing together!
2) Don’t assume your children need daily Play Dates with friends.
We found that regularly playing with other children actually HAMPERED our children’s desire (and sometimes ability) to play well with one another. They became obsessed with being with their friends and they looked at their siblings as an irritation. Now I’m not saying we should live in isolation in the basement, but I am saying that the world’s obsession with socialization among peers is not always the healthiest thing for our children.
We afforded our children lots of opportunities to play with others, but it was always playing with other FAMILIES. This allowed some buddying up but mostly worked out with various age groups playing all together and learning how to get along and how to respect one another. It was always a delight when we saw our children actually being protective of one another!
3) If they are not playing well with each other, don’t allow time with friends.
I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but those times when our children were scrapping with one another was NOT a time when we rewarded their orneriness with time with friends. We told them, “If you cannot get along with one another, you are not ready to play with friends!” And it worked, every single time! I made sure that I did a lot of supervision during those times to quickly correct bad attitudes and behavior. And within a day we began to see major changes in attitudes, sometimes to the point of even forgetting about playing with others. THAT’S when we would invite friends over or go visit others.
4) Choose friends wisely for your children!
You may wonder what this would have to do with them enjoying one another, but influences from outside have a significant effect on the attitudes and viewpoints of our children. There were some children we simply did NOT allow as friends for our children. We saw disrespectful attitudes and speech: toward parents and toward siblings (sometimes toward everyone) and we chose NOT to allow that as an influence in our children’s lives. We figured, they had enough of their own sinful struggles (and ours) without bringing in more from the outside world!
Ahh, the hat card game!
5) Make home a fun place!
Well, I’ll be the FIRST to say I am NOT a Fun Mom kind of gal. I seldom played tea parties or sports with the children. But we did play lots of games, we sang, we danced, we laughed ALL THE TIME and we really loved being with our children! I think that rubbed off more than we knew. We spent LOTS of time talking and it almost always revolved around scripture. We never sent our children out of the room for talk that we thought was beyond them. We invited them in. Even now, if we have company and there are several conversations going on in different rooms, our children really struggle because they can’t be in all of them at the same time! They learned to love being with one another partly because we loved being with them.
Let me hear YOUR thoughts on things you’ve done to build enjoyment of one another among your children.
I wanted my kids to be close and play together too. When the age gap started getting to be a “big deal” I assigned them 30 minutes playtime together every day. I had them take turns choosing the game. It made them hang out together and, I think, built on their relationship.
We also had a kid here or there that we did not allow our kids to play with. We tried, but one of the kids, for example, yelled at me and waved his finger in my face because I asked him to help my son pick up the toys that they both played with.
His mom couldn’t get him to behave either. So we tried again and he still was defiant and disrespectful to me, and so we just decided we didn’t want that influence on our son.
Thanks for hosting today!
Good for you! And the time may come (when your children are older and more fully trained in walking in submission to the Lord) when you will be able to have a greater outreach to that child. We’ve had THAT happen, for sure!
Thanks for sharing your story!
what a really, really good post. Now that my kids are grown up and love each other, get in touch with each other, help each other, it was all worth it!
Thanks, Barbara! And it really IS worth it! Although, I will admit, there were times on the journey when you really wonder!! 😀 Thanks for stopping by.
These are great suggestions – the counterintuitive one (#3) is very effective! Our youngest two who really did not get along when they were little. When they were pre-teens, we set up a system with two paper cups in the kitchen. We started with 100 pennies in one cup, and we talked about encouraging, kind things they could say to each other. If one did, the other could come tell me (good tattling!) and they could transfer a penny into the other cup(2 per hour allowed). Instead of the suggestions I had given them, they usually came up with very silly ones like “Mom! He said I have nice eyeballs!” and “She said I did a good burp!” I didn’t care – their interactions were changing from consistently negative to positive. When the pennies were all transferred, we all went out for ice cream together. We transferred all the pennies once more and then during our third time through they lost interest, but their habits and attitudes toward each other had permanently changed. During their teen years at home they would go out together at least once a week, and last year when sister went off to college they spent loads of time Skyping – most of the times just doing their own thing but keeping each other nearby.
Janet, the paper cup idea is GREAT!! I love how it morphed into silly compliments, but that really does change their perspective. I’m so glad your children became good friends. Thanks for sharing and for stopping by.
I love these tips! That is exactly why my kids play mostly with each other and we limit playtime with outside friends. When we do have play dates I’m very choosy about who my kids spend that time with! Thank you for your wisdom, Kate!
Nancy, your discernment will bear fruit in your children’s lives long into adulthood! Thanks for sharing, dear!
These photos of your children are just the cutest and remind me of our days with young children. Love their bright smiles and cheerful countenances :)God bless you and your dear family!
Thanks, Jacqueline! And blessings right back at you.
How perfect a post for Transformed Tuesdays. Thanks for linking up, Kate!
Thanks, Elisa! It is a great link-up!
Kate, your blog ranks right up there at the top of my list!! I could have written this post(except that I didn’t) because it sounds like you did some of the same things with your children as we did.
Judith, you are so sweet! Don’t you love it when you find kindred spirits in bloggers you find!?! Thanks so much, dear friend.
Thank you so much for this post! It really meets the present need in our home – right now! So thankful for you ladies who have already run this race, and have succeeded in producing fruit for God’s glory in your family. Thank you for the encouragement! (Visiting you from the Deep Roots at Home link-up)
Thanks, Hilary! I’m so glad it was an encouragement to you and that you got to stop by. Hope I get to see more of you as time goes by!
These are great tips! We’re not there yet – just have a 16 month old and one more on the way, but I am excited about the close age gap because I hope that will mean that they’re more likely to have interests in common!
These look like great tips to me!
Thanks for encouraging children to play and love one another. How often kids quarrel and are selfish instead of sharing. Your children look happy and seem to enjoy the performance of each other.