By Kate, on April 23rd, 2013% 
Are you a parent struggling with your teen not wanting to go to church? Do you see your children rejecting church, and perhaps even God, as they go off to college or jobs? Why does this happen? We try to raise them to love the Lord. But our hearts are filled with guilt and shame as we try to hide the deepest fear of our hearts: our children seem to be completely rejecting God.
Why does this happen? There are many reasons but I’d like to hit on 5.
Reason #1 – They are not really saved.
“But,” you say, “my children prayed the prayer! They walked down the aisle. They’ve GOT to be saved!” If only that were true. The reality is that praying the prayer and walking the aisle have nothing to do with salvation. Salvation is based on repentance and trust:
- repentance (the word means to change your mind) is when we have changed our mind about our lives and what is right and what is wrong
- trust in the finished work of Jesus on the cross and surrendering to that sacrifice on our behalf
Continuing to live our lives for our own pleasure does not make someone unsaved, but it is a sign of what is in their hearts. A life surrendered to the will of God (NOT to be confused with a set of Dos and Don’ts) is part of the fruit God works in our lives when we trust in Jesus.
“So then, you will know them by their fruits. “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven.” Matt 7:20-21
Reason #2 – They were discouraged from expressing their doubts.
In many churches in our country (and in many families) there is a taboo when it comes to asking questions – particularly questions that speak to doubts about God’s Word. Let’s be real: SCRIPTURE IS OFTEN CONFUSING!!! There are so many things in the bible that I don’t understand. And, if I’m being honest, there are a number of things that I don’t really like. Why should my child be different?
Has your child asked questions that were ‘poo-pooed’? Either by you or your pastor? Have their heart-felt doubts been treated with shame? Has their faith been questioned simply because they weren’t always convinced?
What we don’t realize is that just because WE can’t answer their questions doesn’t mean GOD can’t! Or even more, that He doesn’t actually delight in their questions. God is big enough for every question we have. When we encourage our children (and teach them how) to take their real questions to the Lord and to His Word, they begin to see that God really cares about their fears or doubts. We need to do all we can to bring our children to the foot of the cross and let His Spirit speak to the deepest needs of their hearts with hope and faith.
Reason #3 - They are in unrepentant sin.
When we continue to harbor unrepentance in our hearts, it begins to have a long term affect on us. Look at Cain! He was confronted by God, both before and after Abel’s murder. God gave him a chance to confess his sin and repent – to change his mind. But he did not. He walked right into that sin and killed his brother. Even afterward, there was no repentance that we see in scripture – just Cain justifying his actions with a hardened heart. Then he walked away from God.
Is there unrepentant sin in your teens life? Again, this comes down to the conviction of the Spirit in their lives, but something that you can be praying (and fasting) about!
BUT let me say this; there is a difference between struggles with sin and unrepentant sin. Someone who struggles knows it’s wrong, agrees that it’s wrong but has a hard time learning how to walk in victory. Someone in unrepentant sin knows it’s wrong and just doesn’t care. They are surrendered to their own desires and (sometimes almost gleefully) jump into the sin without any regret.
Reason #4 – They have never been taught what the victorious life means.
It is so disheartening to live with a desire to follow God only to continue to fail. When our children are not taught how to see God’s work in our lives, His hope through the Word and His power by the Spirit, this disheartening turns to discouragement and then to despair and finally to rejection.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Prov 13:12
Are your teens living heartsick in their struggles with sin? Are you working to give them tools to gain victory? I don’t mean, “Don’t do that. It’s sin.” That might be fine if they are 2, but not when they are 14. They need practical help, they need encouragement from the Word, they need us to come alongside them and bring courage to their hearts. Are you helping them see that God’s sanctifying work in their lives actually DOES change them?
When we don’t teach them to see the work of the Spirit in their lives, guilt begins to reign supreme in their hearts and minds. This is a tool of the enemy that will devour their hearts, pushing them do whatever they have to do to stop the guilt. And this might very well mean they leave the church as soon as they are able.
Reason #5 – We are living a lie as their parents.
Nothing turns our children away from the church (and maybe even from God) faster than hypocrisy. Do we live one life at church and another at home? Do we put on our Christian Mask of being all holy and use spiritual language when we are around believers and then become Mr. Hyde when we are with our children? Are WE teaching them to live a lie by our example?
If this is where we are living, then it is no wonder that our children would RUN from what we claim is a good thing. They’ve not seen God’s goodness lived out in our lives and they reject the words we say because they reject the life we live.
This needs a powerful change in OUR hearts. Repentance, confession and surrender.
- We need to repent of our hypocrisy to the Lord.
- We need to confess our sin to our children and ask for their forgiveness.
- We need to surrender our lives fully to the Lord and lean on His Spirit to guide our lives.
None of this means that we can change our children’s lives. God is still sovereign and still gives them choice. They still have to live their lives before the Lord. BUT we can do everything in OUR power to make sure we are not the stumbling block our children’s lives and relationship with God.
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Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Erin Branscoms, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Playdates at the Well, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, The Welcoming House, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What’s Up Wednesday, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Feasting In Fellowship Friday, Fellowship Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end, A Little R&R, Pieces of Amy, Homeschool Mother’s Journal
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By Kate, on February 13th, 2013% A friend had asked me if I would write Preparing for a No-Divorce Marriage coming from the male side of things. And since many of us have sons that we are training and raising to be men of God, I thought it was about time I sat down and wrote it. My post for the girls can be found here.
Are you single and come from a family background riddled with divorce?
Are you feeling stressed wondering how you can change that pattern in your own life?
Are you wondering how you can change that outlook for your own future marriage?
One question you need to answer: Are you preparing to be the man of integrity that will draw a woman of God to your side for life?
Very often our culture does not challenge young men (or old men, for that matter) to be men of integrity:
- men with strength of character – Gal 6:1-10
- men who embrace responsibility – 1 Sam 30
- men who persevere in all circumstances – James 1:2-4
- men of humility – James 4:6
- men with a servant heart – Matt 20:25-28
- men who are honest – Col 3:9-10
- men who love unconditionally – 1 Cor 13:1-7
- men who sacrifice for others – Eph 5:1-2
- men who work hard – Prov 6:6-11
- men who take care of their own – 1 Tim 5:8
- men who control their tempers – Prov 22:24
- men who care for the powerless – Prov 31:8-9; James 1:~27
- men who can be trusted – Luke 16:10
- men willing to lead others – 1 Thess 2:9-12, Prov 31:23
- men of the Word – Col 3:16; Ps 119
- men of prayer – James 5:16; 1 Thes 5:16-18
- men who disciple others – 2 Tim 2:2 Heb 10:23:24
- men with gentleness – 1 Peter 3:7-8
- men with compassion – Col 3:12
- men willing to submit to authority – 1 Peter 5:6-7
- men sold out to Jesus – Deut 6:5
- men who are not controlled by their lusts – 1 Thess 4:3-8
As women come into your “radar”, you need to look beyond a pretty face or that charge of attraction. You don’t want to find that the woman by your side has no staying power or is not willing to take on the trials the Lord will bring into your lives (Prov 31:30). So, examine her life closely. What is she like with:
- her family – is she respectful and loving or does she treat them with disdain?
- single guys in the church - does she act like a sister or is she a flirt?
- older women in the church – does she have/seek a mentor or disregard them?
- younger women in the church – does she have good relationships based on a love for the Lord and care for others or does she act competitively, always wanting to come out on top?
- leaders in the church - does she treat them with respect and deference or does she rebel against their spiritual authority?
Once you are married, remember that your life is one of surrender TO GOD. He will call you to sacrifice, lay down your own plans and desires for your wife’s best. Marriage is NOT a 50-50 proposition. You are called to give 100%, no matter what your wife gives. The world tells us this is not “fair”; well, it might not be – but there is nothing in scripture that talks about this kind of fairness. God calls men to live to a higher standard than what the world does. He calls you to live your life as Jesus did – in that He sacrificed ALL for the sake and love of His bride.
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It goes without saying that God will be working on your wife as well. There will be molding and transforming He’ll be doing in her life to make her a woman of God. Pray for the fulness of His grace to be poured out in her life. It is important to remember that she is NOT you! She will respond differently from you: think differently, react differently and have very different concerns.
This is a good thing!
For me, a major thing to remember in dealing with their wives is:
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7
She is not weaker as in being less equal before the Lord. But she is more tender and therefore should be treated with tenderness. You don’t have to understand her (you may find that is not that easy to do) BUT you live with her in an understanding way.
And above all: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! Many books are written on it and I have 2 posts here and here.
Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Erin Branscoms, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Playdates at the Well, Back to School Monday, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays, The Welcoming House, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What’s Up Wednesday, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, First Day of My Life , Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Feasting In Fellowship Friday, Fellowship Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end, A Little R&R, Pieces of Amy
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By Kate, on January 9th, 2013% 
I hope by now you have bought your copy of Desperate. If you haven’t then head on over to buy the book AND begin to jump in on the fun of the giveaways, gifts and online support and encouragement.
I wanted to share something that smacked me upside the head when I was reading this book.
I’m on the other side of Desperate in my life now…my youngest is 11 and 4 of my children are now adults. I’m in a very different place. Yes, I can vividly remember those sleepless nights when I had to tie a baby to me with my bathrobe for fear of dropping her while I tried to burp her, I was so tired. I remember not speaking to an adult for days – my husband was in grad school and he’d come home between 1-2 am and leave to get back to school by 7 am. I remember having to take 5, 6, 7 children everywhere I went. I had no family nearby. We lived in a college town and there were very few married couples in my church and no truly older woman.
But I come from a time and family that just DEALT with hard situations. You didn’t ask for help, you just did what you had to do. Today we say we “sucked it up.”
I was reading page 20 of Desperate (I’ll let you run and get your copy to follow along…) and felt a THUD in my chest and then the tears started to trickle and then BURST forth! I’m not a sobber, but I was sobbing!
Sally was telling of visiting a friend and how her friend had prepared a tray with a lit candle, pot of tea, muffins and vase with flowers, and a note that said she was praying for her and other sweet encouragement. She wrote the following that absolutely echoed my heart:
Unexpectedly, the tears began flowing down my face. I was so used to toughing it out and taking care of all of our family’s needs and losing sleep and caring for the kids alone that I didn’t even know how much I needed a real live friend who could communicate to me that I was not invisible, and show me thoughtfulness that comes from a heart moved by the Spirit of God. Even just the thought that someone else had been considerate of me and prepared my breakfast touched a very deep vulnerable place in my heart that I had not even recognized as a need.
 (source)
My breath catches in my chest even now as I type this.
I have never had this. Please know I LOVE MY LIFE. I have no regrets or latent frustrations or hostility. I do not begrudge the years of service and ministry to my husband or the mentoring I’ve done (and still do) to young mothers. I’ve had a couple of times of young friends taking me out for a “kidnapping” date. Even the year when I had an older mentor in North Dakota – she taught me, she corrected me, she trained me. But it wasn’t a time where I was completely pampered and prayed over and had my needs met.
This was all just one more confirmation to me that the heart and passion God placed on my heart 33 years ago (back when my hair fell out) of His plan for older women to come alongside the younger women and gently lead them (train and correct too) and be a HELP was EXACTLY RIGHT!
If you are an older woman, are YOU pouring your life into a young mom?Are YOU thinking about the needs you had to be mothered? Are YOU coming alongside and giving her help in her times of feeling Desperate?
If not…I think it’s time you did!
Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Erin Branscoms, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Playdates at the Well, Back to School Monday, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays, The Welcoming House, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What’s Up Wednesday, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, First Day of My Life , Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Feasting In Fellowship Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end, A Little R&R
By Kate, on November 27th, 2012% Well, in one sense, I never really believed this phase would come. When you spend 26 years: pregnant or nursing or potty training or teaching to read or ride a bike or disicipling or helping through puberty or working on college admission…you really don’t think of the FINALITY of your tasks!
But yes, my eldest daughter is engaged!
Her fiance is a lovely young man and we are very excited for her. But where did those years go? My husband has been ready for this phase of life for a long time but I am just getting over the fact that my baby-making years are done. How can this be?
Please know I am so delighted for my daughter, her life and her being off on her own. I’m delighted that she calls me to talk things through. I’m delighted that her close council of friends are godly women who really love the Lord. I’m delighted that she and her fiance have a very strong spiritual walk together.
I’m just shocked at the fact that time is passing – and very rapidly it seems!
I miss my little girl who:
- talked about “packidabs” at the age of 2 (we never did figure out what those were)
- began reading at age 4 all by herself
- wrote her first play at age 5 about Jesus, Mary, Joseph, Daniel and a witch
- almost missed her 8th birthday because she was in her room getting some things ready for a game
- was afraid a finger stick at the doctor would remove all her blood from her body
- hid candy in her room thinking I’d never see
- called her brother “diaper-head” as the worst Bad Name she could think of
- taught her siblings how much fun it was to overdub movies and record them
- had such fun playing with a message from her youth pastor by cutting out most of his message and leaving bizarre and hilarious results
- was a serious introvert surrounded by a family of 10
I’m very glad I get to send her off with a young man who loves her dearly and understands her more deeply than almost anyone else.
Rejoice with me and pray for me in this new season I enter.
Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Erin Branscoms, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Playdates at the Well, Back to School Monday, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What’s Up Wednesday, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, First Day of My Life , Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Feasting In Fellowship Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end, A Little R&R
By Kate, on November 23rd, 2012% 
(source)
Every year I get caught off-guard by Advent and we start behind. This year with Thanksgiving so early, I’m determined to be ready!!
Many years ago, we started doing an Advent wreath. We are not a liturgical faith kind-of-family, but we end up using whatever traditions we feel will help our family in our faith. And, of course, my husband being who he is, he developed a whole plan for our family Advent.
My organizational skills being what they are, I always lose our written program. Last year I pulled it all together into a flyer that I keep in our Christmas decorations box. BUT I also put it into a pdf document on my computer! And right now, I’d like to share it with YOU. You may have your own Advent routine, and that’s great. But some of you may be looking for ways you can keep Jesus as the center of this holiday with your children and you may find this flyer helpful.
The Advent Wreath has 5 candles on it.  Each candle represents a different person in scripture with a different theme.
- week 1: purple is The Candle of Promise (Isaiah’s candle)
- week 2: purple is The Candle of Announcement (Mary’s Candle)
- week3: pink is The Candle of Preparation (John the Baptist’s Candle)
- week 4: purple is The Candle of Celebration (The Shepherd’s Candle)
- Christmas Day: white is The Christ Candle
We have listed scriptures to be read each day as you light that week’s (and all the previous weeks as well) candle. So, if any of you are interested, please feel free to download and print out our Advent Celebration flyer print it out back to back for a tri-fold pamphlet) to help your family get ready for celebrating the birthday of our Lord, Jesus.
By Kate, on October 7th, 2012% Today my firstborn turns 26. Where has the time gone?
I remember sitting by her cradle and just marveling at her breathing! Those tiny fingers and that precious little laugh. Now she is an adult on her own and a delightful woman of God.
Join me in wishing Hannah a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
 Hannah – 3 weeks  Hannah – 2 months  Hannah – 12 months  Hannah (wishing very hard) – 2 years old  Hannah – college grad pics
Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Playdates at the Well, Back to School Monday, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What’s Up Wednesday, Raising Homemakers, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, Raising Mighty Arrows Thursdays, First Day of My Life , Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Feasting In Fellowship Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end
By Kate, on September 20th, 2012% Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Prov 22:6
Hear, O Israel! The LORD is our God, the LORD is one! “You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. “You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. “You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” Deut 6:4-9
 By Jdebney [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons One of the things I’m most thankful for in my life is being able to homeschool my children. I really love being with my children all the time. Sure, there have been times when I needed some time away, when if one more person wanted one more thing from me I was going to SNAP! But we all have days like that – no matter if you homeschool, send your children to a school or are single!
The opportunity to build into my children’s lives, to train them, to disciple them, to find their bent and pursue it has been a joy.
Over the years I’ve had many reactions to the fact that we homeschool. The most predominant response was, “Wow, I wish I could do that, but I don’t think I could handle my children all day long.” I wonder how much of that response comes from the fact that parents often have to spend lots of time UN-TEACHING what they have learned at school. Not the academics, but the attitudes.
I get to see their character flaws (unfortunately, many of them come directly from ME — do not pass Go, do not collect $200!) and work on specific ways to change them. A lot of what we do is teaching godly character qualities in our children. Lots of scripture memory, lots of practicing good speech patterns and behavior (to build new habits), lots of prayer for the Holy Spirit to work in all of our lives.
So I am praising the Lord that I have been able to homeschool these past 23 years. And I am looking forward to the next 7 years until we are done. I pray for God’s grace, wisdom and discernment and joy to let Jesus live through me in training my children.
Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Playdates at the Well, Back to School Monday, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What’s Up Wednesday, Raising Homemakers, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, Raising Mighty Arrows Thursdays, First Day of My Life , Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Home Focused Friday, Feasting In Fellowship Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end
By Kate, on September 18th, 2012% 
One of the things that we love to do in our home is talk scripture. Anyone who knows us, knows that you really CAN’T be in our home for any length of time without talking scripture.
The thing that has been on my heart this year with homeschooling is our bible curriculum.
Over the years, we’ve made our own. On a 5 year rotation we study:
- heroes of the faith (choosing 36 people from the scriptures to look at, one a week)
- overview of the Old Testament, complete with timeline (following the book Charts of the Old Testament – a GREAT resource!)
- the inter-testament period and the teachings of Jesus
- the New Testament church
- overview of church history from NT to present
The thing that I’ve come to see that was lacking in our curriculum was Major Doctrines of the Faith.
This fall, we are studying those major doctrines, and we are starting from the Apostle’s Creed. I’m excited to see what kinds of conversations and study in the Word this will bring up. And I’m excited to see our younger children step up to join us in our biblical discussions.
Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Playdates at the Well, Back to School Monday, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What's Up Wednesday, Raising Homemakers, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, Raising Mighty Arrows Thursdays, First Day of My Life , Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Home Focused Friday, Feasting In Fellowship Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end
By Kate, on September 4th, 2012%
Purchase my e-book
“Cut It Out! How I Feed My Family of 10 for $500 a Month Without Coupons“
My husband and I have been spending time thinking and praying about our children lately. One of our desires all these years has been for their hearts to be completely sold out for Jesus. We realize that the final choice is theirs but we have always looked at our opportunities to help ignite their love and passion for the Lord.
Many years ago we did what we called The Blessing. It was a pattern of prayer and devotions that we did on the week-ends to prepare all of our hearts for worship on Sunday. For the few years we did it, it was very encouraging for all of us.
Years passed and lives and schedules changed and we stopped using it. But lately we have realized the need for further building into their lives in praying for them and over them. We are still in the process of working out where God is taking us with this. But I am excited to take this time once again to call all the children together (those who still live at home) and come before the Lord in prayer.
While we pursue God’s leading for prayer in our family, I ask you: how are YOU seeking God to build up your children in growing in passion for Him? While you may pray regularly FOR your children, do you often pray OVER your children? We are so encouraged and strengthened by hearing the prayers of others.
Do your children receive that blessing from you in praying over them regularly?
Blogs I might be linking to:
Menu Planning Monday, On The Menu Monday, Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine,Playdates at the Well, Back to School Monday, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Funky Planet Frequent Flier Club, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays,Legacy Leaver Thursday, What’s Up Wednesday, Raising Homemakers, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Thankful Thursday, Raising Mighty Arrows Thursdays, Thought Provoking Thursday, First Day of My Life Thankful Thursdays, Thankful, Thankful Thursday Brown-eyed Bell(e), Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Home Focused Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end
By Kate, on August 7th, 2012%
Purchase my e-book “Cut It Out! How I Feed My Family of 10 for $500 a Month Without Coupons“.
My friend Janice asked this on a message board I help moderate and I thought it would make a great discussion here as well.
How do YOU remain, or become, “friends” with your adult children? Those who live at home and those who do not. Those who are married? What do you DO to retain a strong friendship. I know we will always be mom and that’s good but what about a *friendship*.
 Mother/Daughter praying (Jean-Baptiste Jules Trayer; wikimedia commons) I think it is a process that begins during the teen years when they still live at home. If we have raised our children to be respectful when they are young, we should be able to develop a relationship with them when they are teenagers that allows for less control and more communication.
Some of the things I suggest are:
- pray with them and share your relationship with God together
- discuss A LOT about all kinds of things
- listen to their opinions
- ask them about their thoughts and opinions
- play with them – especially silly things
- share in their enjoyments and pleasures, music and movies, etc.
- build them up in the positive things, particularly their identity in Christ
- encourage them to know we will be their #1 cheerleader in their marriage and with their spouse
This is what we’ve tried to cultivate with our teens to help our relationship with them transit from one of Chain of Command to Chain of Counsel. I don’t look for friendship in my adult children, per se. But I do look for a free and easy relationship with open and honest communication and love. I don’t expect to be their “buddy” nor get offended if they have intimate friends besides me (I know some mothers who are offended if they are not their daughter’s #1 friend/playmate).
Some things I’ve seen parents do that are destructive:
- not allow their children to become adults
- manipulate their children’s life choices (especially using money)
- control their children in college
- use guilt as a weapon to stay in control of their children’s lives
- rescue them from every situation or trouble without being asked
- micromanaging in general
- play mind games concerning potential mates of their children
It is so important for us to remember that our children are not ours…they are God’s!
Our job is to raise them up so they can live and work for God’s glory. We are to keep them close under our wing when they are young so we can protect them. As they grow older, our job changes to help them learn to fly. Eventually, they must leave the nest to soar into the journey God has for them. They will then go on to feather their own nests and raise their own fledglings.
Without that goal in mind, our views become distorted and we forget what this is all about. It is all about God’s glory and raising our children to walk righteously and joyfully with Him. Keeping this perspective won’t make things perfect or keep us from failing, but it will help us from falling into the pitfalls of trying to stay in the center of their lives when we need to always be placing God there.
What practical things have you done, or are you doing, to help build friendships with your adult children?
Blogs I might be linking to:
Marital Oneness, The Better Mom, Multitudes on Monday, Hear it On Sunday, Sharing His Bounty, What Joy Is Mine, Domestically Divine Tuesdays, Time Warp Wife, Encourage One Another, Living Well Wednesdays, Raising Homemakers, Thought Provoking Thursday, Hearts 4 Home, Big Family Fridays, Faith Filled Fridays, Home Focused Friday, Homemaking Link-up Week-end, Legacy Leaver Thursday, What's Up Wednesday
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My Buttons THE BLOG BUTTON
THE LINK-UP BUTTON
MY HUSBAND'S BLOG
Where I contribute/participate
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